Joker Newbie
Joined: Nov 09, 2006 Posts: 33
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Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 8:32 am Post subject: Clergy Jokes |
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A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)
Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.
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Joker Newbie
Joined: Nov 09, 2006 Posts: 33
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Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 8:35 am Post subject: Bad Humor |
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A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
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Joker Newbie
Joined: Nov 09, 2006 Posts: 33
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Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 8:36 am Post subject: Sermons |
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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
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Joker Newbie
Joined: Nov 09, 2006 Posts: 33
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Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 8:37 am Post subject: Sermons |
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
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Joker Newbie
Joined: Nov 09, 2006 Posts: 33
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Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 9:16 am Post subject: New Teeth |
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This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!
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Joker Newbie
Joined: Nov 09, 2006 Posts: 33
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Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 9:16 am Post subject: The Preacher is Dying |
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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
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Joker Newbie
Joined: Nov 09, 2006 Posts: 33
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Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 9:19 am Post subject: Painting the church |
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It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.
One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.
He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.
It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.
That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.
The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"
A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"
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Joker Newbie
Joined: Nov 09, 2006 Posts: 33
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Posted: Wed Nov 15, 2006 9:30 am Post subject: Reverend Billy Graham |
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The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
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churchdude Newbie
Joined: Nov 17, 2006 Posts: 22
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Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 9:33 am Post subject: Lettters to the Pastor |
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The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.
Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely,
Arnold.
Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor,
Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely,
Pete.
Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor,
My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Robert Anderson
Age 11
Dear Pastor,
I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love,
Patty.
Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor,
My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.
Yours truly,
Annette.
Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor,
I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.
Stephen.
Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor,
I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen.
Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor,
I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance.
Sincerely,
Eleanor.
Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor,
Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.
Laurie.
Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor,
I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.
Love,
Ellen,
Age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor,
Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you.
Alexander.
Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor,
My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua.
Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor,
Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God?
Sincerely,
Christopher.
Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor,
Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Carla.
Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor,
I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph,
Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor,
How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely,
Marie.
Age 9, Lewiston
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churchdude Newbie
Joined: Nov 17, 2006 Posts: 22
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Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 9:37 am Post subject: Poor Preacher |
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The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon a seven year old boy.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."
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churchdude Newbie
Joined: Nov 17, 2006 Posts: 22
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Posted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 10:37 am Post subject: The Biggest Lie |
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A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
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churchdude Newbie
Joined: Nov 17, 2006 Posts: 22
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Posted: Wed Nov 22, 2006 11:17 am Post subject: Very Important Person |
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The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Seeing who it was the trooper says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
The trooper says,"No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Governor, is it?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It's isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important", replies the trooper.
"Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
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PrayerGuy Newbie
Joined: May 04, 2006 Posts: 50
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Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 9:03 am Post subject: Dinking while Driving |
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A priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
The minister replies, "Just water."
The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?"
The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
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PrayerGuy Newbie
Joined: May 04, 2006 Posts: 50
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Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 9:06 am Post subject: The Cowboy goes to church |
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One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly,
"Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
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